Guaranteed to offend some (but try to see the humor)

It all started with my complaint to the oncologist. How do I word this delicately? "Is there something you can recommend for dryness?" With the discovery that female hormones are a contributing factor to cancer growth in "female" cancers, one of the current treatments involves medications to slow or stop production of hormones. This results in menopause and all the fun symptoms that go with it, including dryness. (I'll let you figure that one out.)

"Unfortunately there's nothing medically I can give you, but I have a patient who has found a product that she feels is so helpful that she is passing the word on to other cancer patients. " At this point, the doctor pauses before continuing. "The only thing is,uhmm.....you have to get it from a porn website."

"WHAT???" I yell. "Are you joking?"
"I'm afraid not," he answers sheepishly.
But my discomfort overrides my concern about the location of the product.
"What's the name of this stuff?" I ask.
"It's called....Eros." He smiles out of embarrassment at having to say the word out loud.
I just laugh. "Of course it is."

He writes the name of the product on paper for me to take home and do with what I want. But I'm deathly afraid to access any porn site on my computer. I've just changed email accounts due to the amazing amount of disgusting spam I was receiving and I don't want to trigger anything that would cause a recurrence of that. But then, inspiration strikes.

At my former job, there were some women who occasionally liked to buy "naughty" novelty gifts as gag presents for office parties. So I called the office. "Patti, would you do me a favor and buy me something next time you go to a porn shop?" I explained the situation and what I needed. When I finished she said, "I haven't been in years but I'll take you." She assured me the store she knew of was "tasteful" and not sleazy. Yeah, right.

I protested and threatened to wear a disguise but in the end, reluctantly agreed. I also called ahead to be sure they had what I needed so we could get in and out quickly. Confusingly under the name Eros, there were quite a few options, all of which were just a befuddlement to me. The manager was very accommodating and said she'd set a variety of products under that label aside for me.

Fortunately when we arrived, we were the only ones there. Upon entrance, you must pass through some security rails which made a noise as we walked by. "Probably taking our photo," I lamented to Patti. Choosing from among the variety of Eros products took much longer than I would have liked as I tried with some difficulty to keep from seeing anything else. At last I made my purchase and dashed for the car all the while wondering, "Isn't there an easier way?"

I'm open for suggestions.

Going, going, mostly gone

If I were a dog, I’d be a hairless Chihuahua. Emphasis on hairless. On the positive side, I no longer need to shave my legs, armpits or worry about moustache hairs. On the other hand, I do miss my eyelashes (which departed last week) as well as my eyebrows. It’s getting harder to continue looking female. I actually went out and bought a pair of false eyelashes but the process of applying them was quite a bit trickier than implied on the box. When my success was limited to getting glue inside my eye causing a burning sensation, I decided to give it up as a lost cause. Now I’ve got penciled on eyebrows (like the ones I foolishly made fun of in my younger days) and eyeliner where once I had lashes in the hope of giving the illusion of feminine makeup. Not that I have the hang of it completely. On bad days when the eyeliner gets smudged, it looks like I’ve been slugged rather than made up. Aw well. Such is vanity.

I’ve now had 4 rounds - going on 5 - of chemo (3 wks on – 1 wk off) since I started again this July. A new chemo drug was added to the mix for the past 2 rounds. The breast tumor which had grown quite large and was unresponsive to the first several rounds of chemo has finally begun to shrink. In fact, it’s close to HALF the size it was! Praise the Lord!!

There’s a wonderful couple from our church who has agreed to meet with me weekly to specifically pray for my healing. They both work full time as well as have children to raise and many other responsibilities so we have felt very blessed to have been given the gift of their time and prayers. Lecia has been visualizing God holding the tumor in His hand and His warmth melting it away like an ice cube. So we’ve been praising God for answered prayer.

Other than hair loss and some neuropathy (numbness) beginning in my fingers, I’ve had mostly no side effects from the chemo. My energy is great and I am pain free so can’t ask for much more. We have lots to be thankful for. In spite of no eyelashes.

A post from Feb 2007

Just found this older blog I meant to post way back when but it got buried in a folder and forgotten. Not that it's important but thought I'd post it anyway. More musings than anything else.....

In the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed a growing phenomenon. In spite of feeling fine almost all the time, there has been the occasional ache or pain which under normal circumstances would go completely unnoticed, but due to the fact that I have cancer now becomes a big deal. Never having been one to “freak out” easily over medical problems – just ask my girls how many times I have said, “You’ll be fine” even if evidence points to the contrary – it frustrates me to be worried so easily. On the other hand, how can it be helped? A few weeks ago I had a pain in my shoulder that grew in discomfort until I finally took a half tablet of Tylenol. (This is a big thing. If you ever catch me taking a WHOLE pill – call an ambulance.) I seriously considered contacting my oncologist to see about ordering an MRI but it was late on a Friday and I decided to wait it out through the weekend and see what transpired. The pain went away and never returned. I’ve since had other “tweaks” of aches and pain here and there, none of which ever stayed very long or deserved a half tablet of anything. But the fear has come every time. And the “what if’s”. I put away the list of songs I was collecting for my memorial service when I began to suspect I wouldn’t need them quite yet, but it’s a battle of the mind to resist going back to those thoughts when aches and pains arise. Fortunately they are quite rare.

Catching up

I've been very remiss about keeping up this blog. Several friends have reminded me (gently) that I should update it. So much has occurred that it's hard to know what to say so I'll summarize.  Back in Feb or March, I noticed some lumps growing in my breast again - same area as before. Started with one, then 2, then 3. Soon they were starting to merge. Of course, I pointed this out to my doctor at each visit but he was not terribly concerned at first. Eventually, he started me on an oral chemo from which I got a horrible red, itchy rash all over my face. Only got half way thru the first cycle before having to discontinue. A PET scan was finally done which showed that the cancer had grown back in most all of the places it was before though not quite as bad as it originally was. But bad enough to need IV chemo again. Of course, this has led to the second round of head shaving and wigs.

The most recent PET scan (as of a couple weeks ago) showed mixed results. The tumor on the liver and in most bones was improved but some lymph nodes, thorasic spine, and breast tumors were worse. A new chemo drug has been added to the mix now and we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, I'm still exercising, taking my nutritional supplement, and doing a smattering of alternative things. The good news is that I feel fine with energy, stamina, and generally a good outlook.

This summer was an emotional roller coaster with Meg (our youngest) returning to Faith for her senior year, my sister, Lu returning to Saudi Arabia, and finding out that a woman who had the same cancer (with the same metastases) as I, had died. We had been "holding each other's hands" over the phone and praying for one another. She was a support to me and her death was devastating since she seemed to be doing  well. Thankfully she was a dear Christian so she is with Jesus. But I miss Paula.

January Update

Since I’m doing so well these days, I don’t always have much to tell. But now I do have a couple more good news items. A year ago I had a bone density test which shows whether or not you have osteoporosis and the degree to which you have it. This was to get a baseline as I enter my “elderly” years. At that time, it showed my poor bones to be in the osteopenia range – a precursor to full blown osteoporosis. A year later – my bone density test shows improvement in all 3 areas tested. Two areas are back in normal range and the third is just a hair below normal. And this despite a bone cancer diagnosis!

On top of this, my last week’s tumor markers showed the most improvement so far – both well within normal range! Yipee!

Thanks for the many prayers.