Monday, November 19, 2007

Guaranteed to offend some (but try to see the humor)

It all started with my complaint to the oncologist. How do I word this delicately? "Is there something you can recommend for dryness?" With the discovery that female hormones are a contributing factor to cancer growth in "female" cancers, one of the current treatments involves medications to slow or stop production of hormones. This results in menopause and all the fun symptoms that go with it, including dryness. (I'll let you figure that one out.)

"Unfortunately there's nothing medically I can give you, but I have a patient who has found a product that she feels is so helpful that she is passing the word on to other cancer patients. " At this point, the doctor pauses before continuing. "The only thing is, have to get it from a porn website."

"WHAT???" I yell. "Are you joking?"
"I'm afraid not," he answers sheepishly.
But my discomfort overrides my concern about the location of the product.
"What's the name of this stuff?" I ask.
"It's called....Eros." He smiles out of embarrassment at having to say the word out loud.
I just laugh. "Of course it is."

He writes the name of the product on paper for me to take home and do with what I want. But I'm deathly afraid to access any porn site on my computer. I've just changed email accounts due to the amazing amount of disgusting spam I was receiving and I don't want to trigger anything that would cause a recurrence of that. But then, inspiration strikes.

At my former job, there were some women who occasionally liked to buy "naughty" novelty gifts as gag presents for office parties. So I called the office. "Patti, would you do me a favor and buy me something next time you go to a porn shop?" I explained the situation and what I needed. When I finished she said, "I haven't been in years but I'll take you." She assured me the store she knew of was "tasteful" and not sleazy. Yeah, right.

I protested and threatened to wear a disguise but in the end, reluctantly agreed. I also called ahead to be sure they had what I needed so we could get in and out quickly. Confusingly under the name Eros, there were quite a few options, all of which were just a befuddlement to me. The manager was very accommodating and said she'd set a variety of products under that label aside for me.

Fortunately when we arrived, we were the only ones there. Upon entrance, you must pass through some security rails which made a noise as we walked by. "Probably taking our photo," I lamented to Patti. Choosing from among the variety of Eros products took much longer than I would have liked as I tried with some difficulty to keep from seeing anything else. At last I made my purchase and dashed for the car all the while wondering, "Isn't there an easier way?"

I'm open for suggestions.


Heidi Pender said...

Yvonne--you crack me up. I googled eros lubricant and found out you can buy it on which will not start sending you spam for porn. There were also several other safe sites/non-porn sites to buy it from on the internet. But I still kind of wish you had video of you hiding your face in the naughty store. Still laughing. Heidi

Anonymous said...

Hahaha. Oh Yvonne. Now just add that meanwhile, a group of people from the neighborhood had gathered along with a couple of satellite news vans, and as you exited the store, you walked, on live TV, into an angry mob of sign waving protesters and reporters with microphones trying to get a comment from you. Hahaha. I think you just wrote an episode for sitcom Yvonne. -CP-

Miriam said...

Good job, mom! I was hoping you'd have the guts to write about this! However, for those who could not see her description of the whole episode live, well, you missed out on a lot. It was a riot. (See, I told you people would think it was funny!)

Sherry said...

Did anyone suggest coconut oil? It's great for popping corn...and other things. And natural.